


Walking on Eggshells

by SunlightOnTheWater



Series: Pathways [9]
Category: Supernatural, The Chronicles of Riddick (2004)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Gen, Nightmares, POV Sam Winchester, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 10:03:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2265564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunlightOnTheWater/pseuds/SunlightOnTheWater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remind me again who is suffering from the blood on their hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Walking on Eggshells

_He knew what it felt like to fill someone, their lifeblood draining out across his fingers and the weapon he held. He'd done it to Lily, watched the life drain out of her eyes, and guilt had destroyed the person he once had been just as surely as torture had retrained him. It was an experience he wouldn't wish upon anyone._

* * *

Normally Sam was the one having the nightmares. Some nights it was Meg leaning over him, his own blood staining her skin, and some nights it was Lily dying at his hands. Other nights the screams of his father and brother as they died just out of his reach sent him tumbling out of bed or he and Jake Talley's final face off. More often than not he woke up soaked in sweat and trembling violently as he fought to shake away the effects of what he'd just seen. Some of the time Kyra would be right next to him because he'd been screaming and woken her. On those nights he'd see the silver gleam of Riddick's eyes in the doorway before the con was gone, as if the man was just reassuring himself that Sam had not hurt Kyra. Now, however, the tables had turned.

Just two nights ago Kyra had killed Ruby. The demon had been attempting to seduce Riddick in order to get close enough to Sam to drag him back to Hell. Kyra had killed her with her own knife and held Sam as he cried himself to sleep only to be woken an hour later by her panicked screams. Night terrors dragged Kyra from sleep almost every hour on the hour and the few times Sam had attempted to approach her he'd found Riddick already there speaking to her quietly. Knowing when he wasn't welcome, he had turned back and spent most the night in a shivering ball, trying not to sleep so that Kyra's screams wouldn't drag him into his own nightmares.

The second night hadn't gone any better. Sam had barely drifted off to sleep, banishing Ruby's mocking sneer from the backs of his eyelids, when Kyra started screaming. He had jolted upright with a panicked cry, arms flying up to shield himself from a coming blow before he realized what was happening. The second time he'd woken with Lily's name on his lips and after the third he hadn't bothered to go back to sleep. Kyra looked terrible this morning, dark purple bruises underneath her eyes. She smiled at him weakly and Sam wished terribly that he could tell her that everything got better, that she'd stop waking up feeling blood oozing between her fingers, but he couldn't. Instead he looked at the floor and shuffled away.

That night he found himself standing in the hall because he couldn't stand to hear Kyra be broken down like that. She'd always been the strong one, so put together and confidant, and his whole world shook around him with the knowledge that her strength was so easily torn away. Meg's cool laughter echoed in his ears and he shook like a leaf in a strong wind. He wanted to be able to help Kyra so badly that it hurt but he didn't know how. He couldn't even fix his own problems, let alone hers.

"Samuel?" By now Sam recognized the careful voice tone and the Necromonger it belonged to.

"I'm fine," he said without looking up, leaning against the wall.

"Right." The sudden sarcasm startled him and his head snapped up in time to watch a fleeting smirk disappear. "That's why you're standing in a hall looking as if a strong wind would knock you over." Sam wanted to make some comment about the impossibility of finding a strong wind on a spaceship, the pre-Hell version of him would have, but nothing came to mind. He settled back more firmly against the wall with a broken little sigh. Part of him was still hearing screams, Lily's and not Kyra's because hers weren't cemented in his brain like Lily's were. They echoed in his head, rattled around like that was all that was left in his brain. "You're not fine." The reproach was a surprisingly gentle one considering that Necromongers weren't supposed to have gentle in their vocabulary.

"It doesn't matter," he snapped, folding his arms around his chest. It was a defensive measure, not that it had ever done him any good when he was off the rack and able to do so.

"And why exactly doesn't it matter?" Sam didn't want to have this conversation. He really _did not_ want to have this conversation. Especially not since Kyra was falling apart right now.

"It's doesn't matter," he hissed out again, standing up away from the wall and turning to retreat back towards his room. His should have known better. The hand on his shoulder easily pulled him to a stop and a shudder went through his frame.

"Easy now," Commander Vaako said and Sam forced in a deep breath. He wasn't in Hell and he wasn't suffering from just killing someone. He could handle this. The hand on his shoulder vanished and Sam turned slightly so he could see Vaako out of the corner of his eye. "What happened?"

A bitter laugh barked its way out of Sam's throat, jaded and sharp. "What hasn't happened?" he hissed out before clamping his mouth shut, cursing slightly. Never show any weakness, or any emotion at all really; that was practically rule number one. He knew better than this. He turned and forced himself to walk away, holding in his terrified sobs until he's safely tucked away in his own room.

* * *

 _"Please don't do this," Lily begged, her eyes wide and innocent and as terrified as Sam felt. "_ Please. _" He felt sobs building raggedly in his throat and he cast as desperate glance at Meg. She smirked at him and waved her fingers, motioning at him to get a move on. "Sam? Sam!" Lily cried, trying to pull her wounded body away from him. All he could do was stand there and shake._

* * *

Kyra wasn't getting better. Sam kept his distance from her, feeling guilty and miserable. This whole mess was his fault. The demons were after him and if he'd just knocked himself off, or better yet told the judge and jury that he'd killed his brother and father willfully so he'd be given the death sentence. Then maybe Kyra wouldn't be going through all this. His nightmares grew worse as he drowned in guilt. Almost every night he heard Lily pleading and begging with him, trying to get him to spare her. He woke up shaking all over and sobbing. Sometimes he could hear Riddick and Kyra speaking softly outside the room but he rarely left his little sanctuary. He was too guilty to face them.

A rap at the door after his fourth day of self-proclaimed confinement startled him. He'd settled down with another of the ancient demonology books he'd managed to procure. The denizens of Hell had destroyed much of the useful lore but a few pieces had escaped and since his escape from Crematoria Sam had taken advantage of Kyra's willingness to slip down to foreign planets to search for what was left. This particular volume had to deal with the demonic hierarchy in Hell. Some of the so called facts were laughably absurd but others hurt closer to home than he was really comfortable with. 

"You just going to hide in here for the rest of your life?" Riddick rumbled from the doorway. Sam wanted to retort that the con didn't really care but he couldn't force the words out. The convict snorted and left Sam to shiver alone in the safety of his room. He would have remained there indefinitely, drowning in shame, but Kyra ventured a few steps into his room next, looking pale and worn.

"How are you doing?" she asked and Sam looked up at her from his position on the floor with wide, watering eyes."That good, huh?"

"How-" Sam cut himself off, swallowed hard, and then began again. "How are you?"

"I think it's getting better," she told him with a weak smile. "I almost can't feel the blood on my fingers anymore. It fades away after a while." Sam managed a weak smile for her and she smiled back. "So why don't you come out, okay? We can pretend that everything's normal." He could do that, for Kyra. He nodded and for the first time since she had killed Ruby, Kyra managed a fragile yet real smile.

* * *

_He hesitated too long for Meg's liking. "Come on Sammy darling," she sneered, clapping her hands twice and making him jump where he stood. "Get a move on or it's back to the rack with you." Sam shuddered and moved forward, his footsteps heavy with dread._

_"Please Sam," Lily begged, tears pouring down her cheeks. "Please don't do this. Please, please, please."_

* * *

Kyra's nightmares began to get better after they started to pretend everything was fine. She hadn't gone back to training and sparring with Riddick but she had began to speak with more animation and smile more often. By contrast, Sam's nightmares grew worse. He woke up every night with Lily's blood condemning him, painting his hands scarlett. He washed them until they were red and stung but was unable to rid himself of the stain.

Kyra was so shaken but her own nightmares and problems that she didn't notice Sam's quirks at first. Didn't notice up until the point that Sam's hands bled. "What are you doing to yourself?" she demanded, taking his cracked and bleeding hands in her own. He looked away and she sighed. "You can't hurt yourself like this Sam. You just can't."

He hadn't wanted to tell her, especially not with Riddick watching them both, but while facing Kyra's disappointment he found himself unable to keep strong. "Its the blood," he whimpered softly, looking down at his hands covered in her own. "Her blood. I can't get it off."

"Oh Sam." Kyra sounded broken and sad and it made Sam shake all over. He had done this. He had broken the unbreakable Kyra. He wrenched his hands free to bolt only to find Riddick behind him, keeping him there. "Sam, it's okay," Kyra told him with a reassuring smile.

"No," he told her, as vehement as he could get anymore. "It isn't. It's never going to be okay. Sooner or later they're going to catch up to me and you're all going to get killed because of that."

"Sam none of this is your fault," Kyra protested.

"So you're telling me that you would be suffering from nightmares if I never existed? That you would still be seeing Ruby's blood between his fingers every time you close your eyes?" Sam demanded. Kyra looked away and he nodded, stomach sinking down to his feet. "Yeah," he mumbled guiltily. "That's what I thought." He turned and this time Riddick didn't stop him as he walked out of the door.

* * *

_"Sam please," Lily begged one last time and it took all of his strength to raise the knife and sink it between her ribs to touch the heart. Lily screamed once, her back arching, and then went painfully still. Blood bubbled up from the wound and slide between his fingers, across of hands. The sudden feeling washed over him that he would never be clean again._

* * *

He found himself wandering through the halls of Necropolis, not sure what he was looking for. His mind was trapped at the edge of a flashback, superimposing Lily's face over that of every woman he passed. He found himself shying away from anyone who got too close. "Wandering the halls again?" Sam started and found himself looking up into the cool eyes of Commander Vaako. The Necromonger studied him for a moment and something in his expression changed. "Come with me." Part of Sam wanted to resist by following orders was far too ingrained in him by this point for him to resist.

He followed the Necromonger warily through the halls until the man opened and door and ushered him through. "Sit," the Necro ordered nudging him gently into a chair. Sam perched on the edge and kept his eyes on the commander who settled casually against the door frame. "Now tell me what's going on." Sam shook his head but Vaako didn't move, just fixed him with that unfazed expression. He shifted uncomfortably before forcibly settling again and lowering his gaze to the ground.

"She's dead," he said at last, staring at his bare feet. "But her blood's still there."

"On your hands or Kyra's?" The question snapped Sam's head up but Vaako met his eyes without hesitation. "I'm not blind Samuel. I know exactly which one of you came out on the worse end of things."

"It was almost gone," he whispered, twisting his hands nervously and staring at his feet again. "And then Kyra's nightmares started and it all came back. I didn't want to kill her but I didn't have any other choice." His voice was rising, full of panic, and his body was beginning to shake. "I just-I just wanted it all to stop and that was the only way." A sob slipped free of his control and he fought to keep down the one that followed.

"Listen to me," the Necromonger said after a moment of Sam fighting down the sobs, keeping them locked away. "I've seen empires rise and fall more times than I remember clearly and each one tells the same story. We all do what we can to survive. There is no shame in that." Sam wasn't sure he believed the Necromonger but he nodded anyway. "Now go get some rest. You look like you need it." Sam nodded again and slipped quietly out of the room, navigating his way through the twisted halls of Necropolis until he reached the safety of his own room.

* * *

_"That's a good boy," Meg whispered in his ear, dipping her hands in Lily's blood and smearing it across his arms. "Such a precious, darling child." Sam could do nothing but stand there, leaning against her as his legs shook, and sob._


End file.
